Saj Tumbelog

patbaer: Mad Men in 60 seconds (from Landline TV) Awesome.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:45:19 -0400

patbaer:

Mad Men in 60 seconds (from Landline TV)

Awesome.

My tumblarity was zero, so I’m posting the theme song to...

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 11:43:47 -0400

My tumblarity was zero, so I’m posting the theme song to Walker Texas Ranger.

What I looked like when I was six. I was black.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 10:28:49 -0400

What I looked like when I was six. I was black.

Cleaning out my computer, part two

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:51:00 -0400

Here’s a omegle.com conversation I had and saved when everyone was having and saving omegle.com conversations back in early April. It was with a German boy:

You: Who are you?

Stranger: i am heinrich

You: Ah, Heinrich

You: a pleasure to finally meet you

You: please, sit

You: Heinrich, I have a matter of great import to discuss with you

You: I’m sure I have your discretion?

Stranger: describe

You: First, assure me that you can maintain a secrecy of the highest order

Stranger: i am

You: Okay good

Stranger: tell me

You: You see, Heinrich, on the twelfth day of this month a lunar event will occur

You: of a magnitude we haven’t seen in several millenia

Stranger: what event?

Stranger: oh thats shit

You: The moon, roughly speaking, will fart

Stranger: what the fuck

You: You see, Heinrich, about once every three to four thousand years, the Earth’s moon develops a rupture along its longitudinal axis

You: From this rupture leaks a sometimes odious collection of cosmic gases

You: The importance of this specific event, and the reason I asked for your secrecy is this

Stranger: yes

You: A consortium of Western governments is in a race against a Sino-Russian alliance to collect samples of said cosmic gas in a chamber for transportation back to Earth to be studied

Stranger: i think

You: This gas, Heinrich, could change the course of history…

Stranger: you are a fucking gay?

You: Not gay, Heinrich, just an astrophysicist who cares a little too much about the fate of his planet

Stranger: you fuck your mother?

You: Heinrich, please

You: This is no time for jokes

You: We have less than a fortnight to make the necessary arrangements

You: and I fear the Chinese are one, if not two, steps ahead of us…

You: If they are… may our Christian God have mercy on our souls

Stranger: i love your mother

You: So, Heinrich, the choice is yours. Can I count on your help?

You: HEINRICH THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES

Stranger: ah okay sorry

Stranger: sire?

Stranger: i think you need help

You: Apology accepted

You: Yes, Heinrich

Stranger: because you are a gay and you laber scheisse

You: Heinrich, I don’t speak German but I know what scheisse means

You: I do NOT condone cursing

Stranger: lol

Stranger: youre so funny

Stranger: i love you

You: Heinrich, this is not time to get emotionally invested

You: We have a very serious mission

Stranger: achso

Stranger: i forgot

Stranger: you can verzeih mir?

Stranger: are you from scientology?

You: Would that color your opinion of me, Heinrich?

You: What if I told you I was a Jew, Heinrich

You: How would that make you feel?

Stranger: what means jew?

You: You know, Jew, Yid, Heeb.

Stranger: i am from germany, my english is not the best

Stranger: type faste man

Stranger: faster

Stranger: man!!

You: okay, okay, relax dude

You: Sorry, I can’t keep this up

You: Heinrich, you’ve bested me

You: There is no moon fart

Stranger: do you have icq?

A piece I wrote (I think) that I just found and can't remember writing.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:22:11 -0400

While cleaning out my computer for a Mac switchover, I found the following piece. Not sure where it came from, why I wrote it, or if I wrote it, but rather than letting it languish, I thought I’d post it here unedited for all five of you to read. It was written in October, after that story about the NYPD sodomizing a Queens man with a radio antenna. Please note that the use of the name “Al Jolson” was unintentional:

So we sodomized a man, Bloomberg’s trying to run for a third term

By A Partisan New York Police Department Spokesperson

So we sodomized a man with a radio antenna. Big whoop. Do you know what Emperor- I’m sorry- Mayor Michael Bloomberg is doing? He’s running for a third, and unlawful, term as mayor of this city. That’s why I pretended to mistype “Emperor” and then pretended to correct myself. If I had really mistyped “Emperor” I would have deleted it on my computer and just corrected myself without you knowing.

Now I may be a New York Police Department Spokesperson, but I am also an American. An American who believes in three things: red meat, playing by the rules, and Jesus… and, also term limits. What Michael Bloomberg is trying to accomplish is against all of those things. Especially that last one.

Look at my haircut. It’s cut close so you can see the skin bunch up at the base of the back of my head. Michael Bloomberg is pissing on the New York State Constitution with the dick of Ed Koch. Now I don’t know much about Ed Koch since I moved here in 1992, but sometimes they make fun of him on television shows and, also, he looks like a jerk.

Sometimes I get so angry at black people I punch myself and then drink bitters until the pain goes away. Michael Bloomberg is running roughshod over this city. He’s destroying American democracy and someone has to stop him. And as a law enforcement officer, it’s my duty to lead the charge and restore peace and civility to New York City.

Sincerely,

Sergeant Al Jolson

NYPD Department Spokesperson

P.S. In case you were wondering: 12 inches. We got it to go in a whole twelve inches! Carl had a tape measure on his belt.

paulbriganti: New Landline video!!!! Yoni getting powdered,...

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:18:51 -0400

paulbriganti:

New Landline video!!!! Yoni getting powdered, sprayed with water, and then waterboarded in his underwear. It’s pretty clear who wins MVP.

This one was a lot of fun to write. A LOT.

purns: I’ve been thinking about Trapped In the Closet recently,...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:00:23 -0400

purns:

I’ve been thinking about Trapped In the Closet recently, and since I’m a part of THE SECRET, El Jefe twittered this. Chapters 1-12 synced up and played simultaneously as part of The Exposure Project. 2 years later, Trapped is still pretty…amazing? Is “amazing” the word? Let’s ride with it.

This is a bit clusterfucky, but supremely awesome. No joke, I listen to TITC at least once a day- most often Chapter Three, because Chapter Three is gangsta.

“Greatest Deleted Scene of All Time” (Terminator 3)...

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:39:09 -0400

“Greatest Deleted Scene of All Time” (Terminator 3) from my friend Brett’s gchat status. He findz funny thingz on the internetz.

The best Transformers 2 review I've seen. Hands down...

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:12:00 -0400

The best Transformers 2 review I've seen. Hands down...:

My favorite excerpts:

“Can you explain Megan Fox’s appeal?

Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what’s so appealing about her.”

And:

If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay’s utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?

When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron’s corpse. A submarine tracks five “subjects” going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks “six” subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn’t care to notice or didn’t give a fuck. “Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about shit blowing up, man.”

Tonal disconnect kills me.

Bonerhead with the happy waterboarders.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:44:06 -0400

Bonerhead with the happy waterboarders.

Bonerhead pre-waterboarding.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:42:55 -0400

Bonerhead pre-waterboarding.

On the highway: a Volkswagon Golf with 20 inch rims and a bumper...

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 23:03:49 -0400

On the highway: a Volkswagon Golf with 20 inch rims and a bumper sticker that reads “Dub Cult” in Gothic font.

Dusk yesterday: sky polyps.

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 10:57:20 -0400

Dusk yesterday: sky polyps.

More keyboard cat.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 16:12:08 -0400

More keyboard cat.

The Asian ladies crossed up my laundry, prompting the following...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:23:00 -0400

The Asian ladies crossed up my laundry, prompting the following imaginary exchange inside my head…

Questioner: “What’d you do today?”

Me: “Oh, just sent a picture of panties to my ex-girlfriend to make sure they weren’t hers.”

Questioner: “Were they?”

Me: “No.”

Questioner: “Hot.”

yonilotan: saj: gracenmichelle: Keyboard Cat vs...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 12:54:50 -0400

yonilotan:

saj:

gracenmichelle:

Keyboard Cat vs Usher

<3 M

I want credit for tumbling this first. Give me credit.

F that, I tumbled this like two days ago

It’s not a competition, Yoni.

gracenmichelle: Keyboard Cat vs Usher <3 M I want credit...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 12:13:23 -0400

gracenmichelle:

Keyboard Cat vs Usher

<3 M

I want credit for tumbling this first. Give me credit.

Ohboysoawesome.

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:42:08 -0400

Ohboysoawesome.

paulbriganti: hayeah!

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:41:39 -0400

paulbriganti:

hayeah!

Drew Kaufman as lil’ thug at the Bleak! show.

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 14:37:26 -0400

Drew Kaufman as lil’ thug at the Bleak! show.