Saj Tumbelog

While cleaning out my computer for a Mac switchover, I found the following piece. Not sure where it came from, why I wrote it, or if I wrote it, but rather than letting it languish, I thought I’d post it here unedited for all five of you to read. It was written in October, after that story about the NYPD sodomizing a Queens man with a radio antenna. Please note that the use of the name “Al Jolson” was unintentional:

So we sodomized a man, Bloomberg’s trying to run for a third term

By A Partisan New York Police Department Spokesperson

So we sodomized a man with a radio antenna. Big whoop. Do you know what Emperor- I’m sorry- Mayor Michael Bloomberg is doing? He’s running for a third, and unlawful, term as mayor of this city. That’s why I pretended to mistype “Emperor” and then pretended to correct myself. If I had really mistyped “Emperor” I would have deleted it on my computer and just corrected myself without you knowing.

Now I may be a New York Police Department Spokesperson, but I am also an American. An American who believes in three things: red meat, playing by the rules, and Jesus… and, also term limits. What Michael Bloomberg is trying to accomplish is against all of those things. Especially that last one.

Look at my haircut. It’s cut close so you can see the skin bunch up at the base of the back of my head. Michael Bloomberg is pissing on the New York State Constitution with the dick of Ed Koch. Now I don’t know much about Ed Koch since I moved here in 1992, but sometimes they make fun of him on television shows and, also, he looks like a jerk.

Sometimes I get so angry at black people I punch myself and then drink bitters until the pain goes away. Michael Bloomberg is running roughshod over this city. He’s destroying American democracy and someone has to stop him. And as a law enforcement officer, it’s my duty to lead the charge and restore peace and civility to New York City.

Sincerely,

Sergeant Al Jolson

NYPD Department Spokesperson

P.S. In case you were wondering: 12 inches. We got it to go in a whole twelve inches! Carl had a tape measure on his belt.