Cleaning out my computer, part two
Here’s a omegle.com conversation I had and saved when everyone was having and saving omegle.com conversations back in early April. It was with a German boy:
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You: Who are you?
Stranger: i am heinrich
You: Ah, Heinrich
You: a pleasure to finally meet you
You: please, sit
You: Heinrich, I have a matter of great import to discuss with you
You: I’m sure I have your discretion?
Stranger: describe
You: First, assure me that you can maintain a secrecy of the highest order
Stranger: i am
You: Okay good
Stranger: tell me
You: You see, Heinrich, on the twelfth day of this month a lunar event will occur
You: of a magnitude we haven’t seen in several millenia
Stranger: what event?
Stranger: oh thats shit
You: The moon, roughly speaking, will fart
Stranger: what the fuck
You: You see, Heinrich, about once every three to four thousand years, the Earth’s moon develops a rupture along its longitudinal axis
You: From this rupture leaks a sometimes odious collection of cosmic gases
You: The importance of this specific event, and the reason I asked for your secrecy is this
Stranger: yes
You: A consortium of Western governments is in a race against a Sino-Russian alliance to collect samples of said cosmic gas in a chamber for transportation back to Earth to be studied
Stranger: i think
You: This gas, Heinrich, could change the course of history…
Stranger: you are a fucking gay?
You: Not gay, Heinrich, just an astrophysicist who cares a little too much about the fate of his planet
Stranger: you fuck your mother?
You: Heinrich, please
You: This is no time for jokes
You: We have less than a fortnight to make the necessary arrangements
You: and I fear the Chinese are one, if not two, steps ahead of us…
You: If they are… may our Christian God have mercy on our souls
Stranger: i love your mother
You: So, Heinrich, the choice is yours. Can I count on your help?
You: HEINRICH THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES
Stranger: ah okay sorry
Stranger: sire?
Stranger: i think you need help
You: Apology accepted
You: Yes, Heinrich
Stranger: because you are a gay and you laber scheisse
You: Heinrich, I don’t speak German but I know what scheisse means
You: I do NOT condone cursing
Stranger: lol
Stranger: youre so funny
Stranger: i love you
You: Heinrich, this is not time to get emotionally invested
You: We have a very serious mission
Stranger: achso
Stranger: i forgot
Stranger: you can verzeih mir?
Stranger: are you from scientology?
You: Would that color your opinion of me, Heinrich?
You: What if I told you I was a Jew, Heinrich
You: How would that make you feel?
Stranger: what means jew?
You: You know, Jew, Yid, Heeb.
Stranger: i am from germany, my english is not the best
Stranger: type faste man
Stranger: faster
Stranger: man!!
You: okay, okay, relax dude
You: Sorry, I can’t keep this up
You: Heinrich, you’ve bested me
You: There is no moon fart
Stranger: do you have icq?
A piece I wrote (I think) that I just found and can't remember writing.
While cleaning out my computer for a Mac switchover, I found the following piece. Not sure where it came from, why I wrote it, or if I wrote it, but rather than letting it languish, I thought I’d post it here unedited for all five of you to read. It was written in October, after that story about the NYPD sodomizing a Queens man with a radio antenna. Please note that the use of the name “Al Jolson” was unintentional:
So we sodomized a man, Bloomberg’s trying to run for a third term
By A Partisan New York Police Department Spokesperson
So we sodomized a man with a radio antenna. Big whoop. Do you know what Emperor- I’m sorry- Mayor Michael Bloomberg is doing? He’s running for a third, and unlawful, term as mayor of this city. That’s why I pretended to mistype “Emperor” and then pretended to correct myself. If I had really mistyped “Emperor” I would have deleted it on my computer and just corrected myself without you knowing.
Now I may be a New York Police Department Spokesperson, but I am also an American. An American who believes in three things: red meat, playing by the rules, and Jesus… and, also term limits. What Michael Bloomberg is trying to accomplish is against all of those things. Especially that last one.
Look at my haircut. It’s cut close so you can see the skin bunch up at the base of the back of my head. Michael Bloomberg is pissing on the New York State Constitution with the dick of Ed Koch. Now I don’t know much about Ed Koch since I moved here in 1992, but sometimes they make fun of him on television shows and, also, he looks like a jerk.
Sometimes I get so angry at black people I punch myself and then drink bitters until the pain goes away. Michael Bloomberg is running roughshod over this city. He’s destroying American democracy and someone has to stop him. And as a law enforcement officer, it’s my duty to lead the charge and restore peace and civility to New York City.
Sincerely,
Sergeant Al Jolson
NYPD Department Spokesperson
P.S. In case you were wondering: 12 inches. We got it to go in a whole twelve inches! Carl had a tape measure on his belt.
New Landline video!!!! Yoni getting powdered, sprayed with water, and then waterboarded in his underwear. It’s pretty clear who wins MVP.
This one was a lot of fun to write. A LOT.
Via PAUL!
I’ve been thinking about Trapped In the Closet recently, and since I’m a part of THE SECRET, El Jefe twittered this. Chapters 1-12 synced up and played simultaneously as part of The Exposure Project. 2 years later, Trapped is still pretty…amazing? Is “amazing” the word? Let’s ride with it.
This is a bit clusterfucky, but supremely awesome. No joke, I listen to TITC at least once a day- most often Chapter Three, because Chapter Three is gangsta.
Via Purns
“Greatest Deleted Scene of All Time” (Terminator 3) from my friend Brett’s gchat status. He findz funny thingz on the internetz.
My favorite excerpts:
“Can you explain Megan Fox’s appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what’s so appealing about her.”
And:
If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay’s utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?
When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron’s corpse. A submarine tracks five “subjects” going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks “six” subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn’t care to notice or didn’t give a fuck. “Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about shit blowing up, man.”
Tonal disconnect kills me.
About Me
Motivated by fear. Inspired by desire.
